


love only left me lonely

by holy1_hell1



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eddie loves Buck, Introspection, M/M, POV Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), i just wanted to write soft eddie ngl, i think, so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25999588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holy1_hell1/pseuds/holy1_hell1
Summary: He didn't know at the time but if Shannon had lived, Eddie doubts the that he would've stayed with her, not with Buck in his life.ori really just wanted to write soft eddie
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 179





	love only left me lonely

**Author's Note:**

> i really wanted to write soft eddie and i needed a break from bk&hk (it's at like 20+k words) - who knew transition scenes were so hard to write. i also took some liberties when writing Eddie and Shannon's relationship whoop
> 
> but i do hope you guys enjoy this!

_**EDDIE NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GET A SECOND CHANCE AT LOVE** , _he always thought that his chance at love died with Shannon. 

He remembers falling in love with Shannon, he remembers the way his heart would pick up pace whenever she was around, remembers the the small dimple on her left cheek when she smiled, remembers the way her laugh felt like a thousand angels singing. He also remembers falling out of love with Shannon, he remembers the fatigue he'd feel when they had to talk, remembers the way she'd annoyingly tap on the tables when she talks about something, remembers the way her laugh sounded less and less angelic and more and more irritating. He had loved her, he did, but sometimes love isn't just enough.

\--------------------

He didn't know at the time but if Shannon had lived, Eddie doubts the that he would've stayed with her, not with Buck in his life. He glanced at the sleeping man and Eddie's heart swells with affection, the love he felt for Buck was ever-consuming - loving Buck felt like breathing air, it was so natural, it was the same way he'd loved Shannon but it was more pronounced. There was something so easy about loving Buck, something that was never there with Shannon. They'd both made mistakes in their marriage, Eddie was too sacred to open up, he was too sacred to be a father, and Shannon was too scared to be a mother but unlike him, she never had the choice to leave, not until Eddie had come back. In a way they were both two sides of the same coin, Eddie chose to leave because he was too scared to stay and Shannon chose to leave because she stayed. He blamed her before but he understood, because he felt the same way. 

It was different with Buck, he stayed because he wanted to, there was no obligation for him to stay, no child to provide for and look after, Evan Buckley had chosen to stay and that's what made their relationship stronger. Shannon wanted a divorce, in a way she left him again because being married and being co-parents were two completely different things. He doesn't blame her though, he wasn't a very good husband to her. In all fairness, she wasn't a very good wife either, they'd tried though but somethings just weren't work out. It became harder when Eddie came back after being deployed, Shannon tried, she did and Eddie understood but it was hard readjusting to a civilian life after everything. She'd always push him to talk, but he couldn't, every time he did, he was left with sand in his mouth and blood on his hands. Buck on the other hand never forced him to talk, he just let Eddie be, and when Eddie did finally talk, Buck listened. He listened intently and didn't say anything, he was there and that was what Eddie needed. 

That was something else that made Eddie fall hard, how Buck never forced Eddie to talk, maybe because Buck knew what it was like to be questioned on things that you didn't want to talk about. Eddie noticed the distinct lack of any sort of parental figures, sans Maddie, in any of the stories Buck told them and when Chim has asked him about it, he just clamped up and deflected, it went unnoticed by the others but Eddie realised it - whenever anything about parents came up, Buck would either deflect or change the topic. Eddie never said anything about it, not until Buck was absolutely hammered and poured it out to him.

_Eddie juggled the key and Buck's body as he unlocked their front door, and he was glad that Christopher was with his Abuela for the night._

_"You're so pretty," Buck slurred, placing a sloppy kiss on Eddie's cheek._

_Eddie laughed, "And you, babe, are wasted."_

_"I love it when you call me babe." There was a dreamy look and his face and Eddie had to look away for a second before he melted into a literal puddle of goo._

_"You need water, and maybe some coffee to sober you up." He closed the door and locked it._

_They all but stumbled onto the couch, Eddie landing on top of Buck, "I see you Diaz, you're not slick."_

_"Oh really?" Eddie mused, placing a kiss on his forehead, "Stay here," He ordered as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass, filling it with cold water, "Here, drink this."_

_Buck snorted, "You're such a dad."_

_"Almost like I have a child."_

_Buck's laugh was heavenly to him, it was one thing that Eddie could never get tired of listening to, "You're a good dad, best one."_

_"Am I?"_

_"I know what bad dads look like, you're not one of them."_

_Eddie froze, taking in what Buck said, he'd never pressed Buck to talk about his parents, ever, but with all sorts of possibilities running through his mind right now, he needed answers, "What do you mean Buck?"_

_"You love him, dad never said he loved me, mum didn't either," Eddie's heart breaks at that, he grabs Buck's hand and interlaces their fingers, "You're proud of him, good dads are proud." Buck's voice quivers, and his eyes shine with unshed tears, "They weren't bad people, the didn't hit us but they didn't love us."_

_Eddie didn't say anything, he just listened, like Buck did._

Eddie had hugged Buck extra tight the next day and he'd made it a point to tell him that he loved him, in any way he could. Eddie was never good with words so he did little things like making Buck's coffee the way he liked it - obnoxiously sweet - or he'd fold their laundry, any little way he could, he did. Buck had noticed that of course, but he never said anything, he let Eddie do it and in return Buck told him that he loved him too. Buck was the one with the words, not Eddie - it only made them stronger, sometimes after long calls, Eddie would go get Buck's favourite brand of chocolate and give to him wordlessly, and Buck, in return, would shower Eddie with compliment unit he was akin to a tomato - it worked for them. There was this unspoken communication between them - Chim had referred to it as a 'weird sixth sense' - they just _knew_ what the other person needed, wanted even. He never had that with Shannon, maybe it was because they were friends - best friends - before they were lovers, it did also help that they were worked together in a job where it was helpful having that kind of sense. Maybe it was because he didn't rush into the relationship like he did with Shannon, there was time to learn about each other. Whatever it was, it only amplified what he felt for Buck. 

Whenever Eddie had bad days, Buck was there, behind him, holding him up when he couldn't stand on his own, because if there's one thing Eddie had learnt after spending years with Buck was that he always meant what he said - he always had Eddie's back. Eddie knew that come hell or high water, Evan Buckley would always be there for him, be there _with_ him. And Eddie loved him for it.

It wasn't until he was with Buck that he realised that love wasn't something that held a relationship together, it was an active and conscious choice made by people to continue building a relationship together, just because you love someone, doesn't mean that your relationship will last forever. Eddie loved Shannon and that was it. Eddie loves Buck with every fibre of his being and then some, but there was more than just love, it was the little things that made them stronger, it was the lingering glances and touch after a rough day, it was the playful banter and eyeroll after Eddie tried to cook, it was the soft looks and touches that made them stronger. 

"What are you thinking?" Buck's rough voice brought him out of his head.

"Nothing," He placed a kiss on his forehead, "Go back to sleep."

"Mhmm," Buck hummed, "Tell me whenever."

"I love you."

"I love you too Eds," He snuggled closer into Eddie, "But please stop hogging the blanket."

Eddie laughed and pulled Buck in even closer.

**Author's Note:**

> your comments and kudos make my day ! 
> 
> feel free to check out [my tumblr !](http://ho1yhell.tumblr.com/) and ask for whatever !
> 
> i hope ya'll enjoyed


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